The 3-point cure for unhappy infatuations

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What to do with unhappy infatuations? Below you find a cure based on my experience.

Years ago I wrote a 3-point cure for unhappy infatuations. I still believe that it works, so below you will find it in a slightly revised form. It is based on my own experiences, since I used to fall in love with girls who didn’t love me back and so I needed to get a hold on my emotions. The following is what I came up with.

The cure is based on the idea that a person who is unhappy in love is grabbed by his or her emotions and not thinking strait. By reviewing and reflecting on the following three points it is possible to introduce more common sense into the process and healing comes from that:

Point 1: Use your gut feeling
When you can not have another person as a rule you know, BUT you may choose to ignore that knowledge – you catch at a straw and hope that the other one may still …

That want work!

Instead, you should use your gut feeling, it will tell you if that other person is also interested.

Point 2: Be realistic about that person
You may imagine that the other one is something quite amazing and that you’d be SO happy if only …

No, you would not!

If the two of you had a relationship, you would find that he or she is an ordinary person, maybe ill-suited for you, and that your everyday life together will sometimes be dull and boring like it happens in most relationships.

Point 3: See beyond the obsession
When you imagine that the other one is absolutely the ONLY thing and that you NEVER will be happy again unless he or she …

Then you are wrong!

And once the obsession is gone, you may very well end up thinking, “What on earth did I see in that person?”

Letting go of attachment
Thus the three points, they are intended to help you let go of an emotional attachment, which is not good for you – when the cure works well, you will be relieved, freed from an unhappy infatuation.

If it doesn’t work for you, you are very welcome to contact me for guidance.

Here you find contact info and prices.

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To the modern gentleman: Be nice!

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Do you want your man to be gentle in the old fashioned way? Photo by Viktor Hanacek

 

How gentle would you want your man to be? Personally I believe that kindness and tact are some of the most important personal qualities we may have (both men and women).

But at the same time I will soon feel awkward, if I am expected to be gentleman-like in the old way, that is, to pull out chairs, hold doors, etc .. In general I am not very comfortable with traditional gender roles.

So from my point of view a modern gentleman is not upholding old fashioned values and gender specific norms of behaviour, but he is a true gentleman when he is loving, kind and considerate.

It is said very well in the simple advice I once got from a girl who did not like my behaviour: “Be nice!”

What do you say? 🙂 ♥

 

 

This is why we break up!

By Jens W. Pedersen

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Read a new and surprising view on why you cannot maintain your relationships for very long.

The author of this post, Jens W. Pedersen, coaches and consults on dating and love. Read his refreshing thoughts on why so many of us jump from one relationship to the next and what you can do instead.

Today many of us find it difficult to succeed in relationships, and there may be several reasons for that. Some therapists point out, that it is due to traumatic experiences that instilled a fear of being let down and thus we no longer put our faith in love.

But I would like to suggest a different reason that is rarely spoken of: It may be that your preoccupation with relationships and marriage is on the decline, so that being a couple is not the most important thing in your life anymore.

That phase is, in other words, about to be over and done with in your case, and therefore no longer holds such a strong grip on you. This is why you will lose interest in the partner. What should have been a lifelong interest and partnership, turns out to be nothing more than a short intermezzo, or a faint reflection of the romantic dream that you had hoped for.

Content in your single life
However, if you lack a good substitute for the life-content represented by romance, you might easily hang on to the past, and so, you repeat it by trying yet another partner and investing your feelings in that new love.

Nowadays we have consequently what has been named serial monogamy, where we periodically change our partner and start over. In this way, we go through the same phases of a love relationship repeatedly, but we find it hard to move on from there and attain a new sense of meaning.

The case may be that being two alone together is no longer enough for you. This does not mean that you completely wave farewell to having a relationship in your life, but you must supplement it with something more.

If you place a one-sided emphasis on the life content that your relationship or marriage might give to you, you expect too much from romance and so you are disappointed time and again.

What is your passion?
If you repeatedly find that your relationships are crumbling, I therefore suggest that you consider whether your preoccupation with relationships is in reality somewhat artificial or exaggerated?

The failed relationships may be an indication that you are moving out of the zone where being together as a couple meets all your dreams, and then you need to look for a new, alternative life content.

It might be another passion or a greater kind of love where you are thinking of doing something for others, i.e. charity, altruism and compassion. Below you get more ideas.

Consider what your new life content is, for example:

  • Give your children a good start in life
  • Enrich the lives of others by becoming a capacity within your line of work
  • Create great music, art, architecture, literature, etc.
  • Immerse yourself in a great hobby or interest
  • Spread happiness around you with your fine sense of humour
  • Fight for a better world with your political messages
  • Fulfil your mission in life by …?

The search for new life content may well be fumbling and hesitant. That is quite natural. Transition phases are hard. When one era is over and life is about to take a new turn, it can be experienced as a loss of meaning or a sense of inner emptiness that persists until we understand what our life is now going to be about.

Are you a single no. 5? Be true to yourself!

By Jens W. Pedersen

Do you really want a sweetheart or is it something you imagine in order to feel normal?

Author and coach, Jens W. Pedersen, wants us singles to leave behind the who-do-you-think-you-are attitude* and get better at listening to what we actually need:

In my Danish book “Dating, desperation og selvudvikling” I listed five different types of singles:

1. You are a happy single and do not want anything else.
2. You imagine that you are happy, but basically you want to live in a relationship.
3. You are unhappy, but passive. You do nothing to get a sweetheart.
4. You are unhappy and active – you venture into meetings with the opposite sex.
5. You imagine that you are unhappy and try to find a love connection. But in reality you do not want it.

No. 5 is rather a queer fish (m/f), because he is trying to have a girlfriend, although he doesn’t really want it.

Today we have a lot of “serial monogamy”. When so many of us jump from relationship to relationship, it may be because we are singles no. 5: we want a relationship, yet not after all. Or at least we don’t want it enough for it to become a lifelong relationship and marriage.

If you are one of those who do so, do not degrade yourself for that reason, but remember to maintain a good self-esteem.

Believe in yourself, single!
One of the main sources of self-esteem is to realize that the psychological processes we pass through are both healthy and natural.

Unfortunately, the prevailing opinion and norms sometimes work against us, and we feel wrong or flawed – and therefore ought to seek out a psychologist to be cured of our misery.

Recently I read a book on dating and relationships in which the good therapist at every other page invited the reader to seek out a therapist. He, he. This may not be what you need. Certainly you don’t need to perceive yourself as guilty or wrong if you are not really interested in a relationship. Instead look at yourself with appreciation, often this is all we need.

Breaking up is not a weakness
When a relationship dissolves it hurts, and we would rather avoid that. But contrary to what many psychologists, family and couple therapists preach, I see no signs of weakness or error. We do not need to perceive breakups as indicators of bad morals, bad communication or childhood trauma.

It may be something else: we may experience a natural process due to less hunger, i.e. that our appetite for a relationship is simply not that big and thus we cannot maintain a real interest in each other over an entire lifetime. Maybe a couple relationship is not the very meaning of life for us.

Loving single culture
I believe that we need a culture that supports and promotes self-esteem – including for singles. Rather than “You’re not to think you are anything special” I say:

  • You should not make less of yourself and follow the herd.
  • Do not think that you are flawed, just because you do not fit into a traditional couple relationship.
  • Be true to yourself and believe, that what you want and what you do is right.

If you would like a lot of love in your life, there’s only one thing to do: show love for yourself and others – in that manner we will have a culture where self-development can take place without undue criticism and condemnation. It is a culture that promotes your self-esteem.

In fact it is also a culture that enhances one’s ability to be in a relationship. If we avoid making ourselves and each other wrong, there is a greater chance that we can maintain our relationships and enjoy the benefits that come from them.

*The who-do-you-think-you-are attitude corresponds to what we in Scandinavia call The Law of Jante. Paulo Cuelho describes the saying of that law very well: “You aren’t worth a thing, nobody is interested in what you think, mediocrity and anonymity are your best bet. If you act this way, you will never have any big problems in life.”

This was taken from his blog: http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2012/02/03/the-law-of-jante-3/

Practice love when single!

By Jens W. Pedersen

Many singles dream of unconditional love from the next lover, but is it even possible?   

Author and coach, Jens W. Pedersen, believes we cannot demand unconditional love, unless we are able to give it. Read his thoughts on how to part with the idea of someone who loves you completely and without conditions:

Within psychology, it is often said that we need to experience unconditional love in childhood. If not, as adults we are still searching for that kind of love and thus meet others with a “look at me!” and “love me!” – we are still trying to grab that unconditional love but it is too late and all in vain.

This psychological mechanism easily plays tricks on us, but blaming childhood does no good when as adults we need to take responsibility for our own lives. By focusing too much on childhood we get stuck in a bitterness that makes matters worse.

You get what you give
Therefore I say instead: You get what you give! So if you want unconditional love, you must be able to provide it. You can’t do that, can you?

Hardly any of us can, and we are therefore not in touch with reality, if we seek that in others – or even require unconditional love from a potential partner.

Even if none of us manage to show unconditional love, we can still practice love – for ourselves and others. This is crucial, for it holds a promise that we will eventually and gradually experience more and more light, love and happiness in our lives.

How to practice
So how do you practice? Try like this:

  • Be true to yourself and your beliefs.
  • Allow yourself to be who you are.
  • Avoid sticking or clinging to love from others.
  • Share your love with someone who wants it.
  • Know how the actions of others mirrors you own, and forgive them because you might have done the same.

Like I said, my basic point of view is that we get what we give in love. Therefore, to get lucky in love is not a matter of grabbing something – turn your focus away from that urge and be aware of how you can spread happiness around you. If you can bring joy and comfort to those around you in everything you do, then you have achieved your high objective.